I felt this over whelming sadness while I sat on the plane heading home. I have been traveling for the last 3 weeks visiting new places, visiting old friends and just exploring. Which never allowed me the chance to fully sit back and process my trip. This feeling has slowly been creeping up on to my soul the last 3 weeks.
This is a feeling that may never go away. This feeling of being trapped in your own world. A world that isn’t at all horrible, a world that I have a loving family, and friends that love and support me. For the last 21 years of my life, I have had everything I ever wanted, I got into a great school, I am one year away from graduating with a special education degree. I never have had to worry about anything when growing up, or even now. For a lack of better words, America has nothing for me. The life I lived in America is not one to want to live. Recently I was stuck in Africa. Yes, stuck in Africa no way of getting back home. (Only for a few days). Here is what happened: I wasn’t able to get into South Africa due to old immigration issues. I was denied entry into the country, and therefore could not catch my flight. What people don’t realize is 90% of southern African fights connect via South Africa. This caused a big problem when trying to get new tickets.
The last three months have been the most challenging, frustrating, wonderful eye opening months I have ever lived. I have experienced racism, and sexism first hand. I have had many people doubt my ability due to my age, color, and gender. I have cried because I felt helpless against kids who were being forced into poverty due to the lack of educational support that was needed. I have seen the sunrise over Lake Malawi a million times and it never ceased to amaze me. I have had kids trust me with every ounce in their bone and neither of us spoke the same language
I have stood in front of 30 to 80 students doing an impromptu lesson because no one was there to teach. I have doubted my ability to teach anyone anything because only 3 kids understood the lesson I taught. I have taught a lesson that almost every single student understood. I have had the lights cut off several times due to the lack of money. I have gone to school and bed hungry because there wasn’t enough food in the house. I have had meet people who have become a second family to me. People who have opened their doors to their homes more times than people I’ve known for years. Through every tribulation, I faced there was an amazing attribute that made my day.
These last 3 months I have needed more things than I could count. I have wanted and cried for help more times than I have in the last year. At this point, I don’t know if Malawi needs me, but I sure do need Malawi. The sadness may never go away. The emptiness may always be there. Maybe there is a larger picture between me and Malawi. Maybe this is just chapter 1 of a bigger book.
Now that I am back home I will be posting past blogs I did not have a chance to post.
Big news coming soon
Until next time
Stay Awesome Jill